on attachment styles

hi,

this post is a bit more personal than it is about blok.

it’s about musings i’ve had with my inner world recently.

(a world that i often ignore or suppress in favor of work in fact.)

who knows, reading this might be a cue for you to look inwards.

if you’re here for company-related stuff only, feel free to stop right here and move on or unsubscribe. totally valid.

ok, onto the meaty stuff.

⊙

it might not surprise you that this journey inwards started as a result of a recent (romantic) breakup i had.

i think that’s a pretty common occurrence haha, as one learns a lot about themselves when they spend a lot of time with another person.

“relationships are the mirrors in which we discover ourselves”, said krishnamurti very wisely one sunny day.

and it’s a truth that has been resonating with me recently.

as i tried to understand why this recent relationship went the way it did, what really struck me was this:

after it was all over, i couldn’t ignore how uncannily it mirrored a past relationship of mine.

here are 2 different girls, from different countries, of different ages, cultures, religions, at different times of my life...

and yet, despite all these differences, the relationship lasted about the same time, felt similar and ultimately ended in the same way.

how can that happen?!

after long searching, i found the missing key that made every pattern suddenly snap into focus:

attachment styles.

and that’s what i wanna talk about today.

⊙

attachment styles describe how you relate, bond, and respond emotionally to the people you’re closest to (especially in romantic relationships).

they come in 4 types:

1/ secure

“i can depend on others, and others can depend on me.”

2/ anxious

“i need reassurance that you won’t leave.” 3/ avoidant

“closeness feels risky and independence keeps me safe.” 4/ disorganized (anxious + avoidant)

“i want connection but it feels unsafe.”

i learned that these attachment styles originate in childhood based on how your caregivers responded to your needs.

it’s fascinating to learn the intricacies of each, so if you’re curious to learn more i recommend the book “attached” by levine & heller. i read those 300 pages in 3 days lol.

also, you can probably tell which attachment style you lean towards just off that one-liner above, but if you want specifics, this is a good and trusted survey you can take to learn more.

mind you, i had zero idea this entire field even existed up until last week.

i didn’t know researchers had been studying these patterns with real clinical data and actual frameworks for behavior before i was even born.

it felt like someone had finally turned on the lights in a room i’d been stumbling around in for years.

i felt so... seen.

i wasn’t some inexplicable outlier.

i was just playing out the scripts of an avoidant attachment guy paired with an anxious attachment gal.

see, the anxious and the avoidant are magnetic to each other because their patterns lock together like puzzle pieces, each activating the other’s deepest wounds and longings.

as a kid, the anxious type learned: love is inconsistent, so “i have to earn it or chase it.”

whilst the avoidant type learned:

love is overwhelming, so “i need distance to stay safe.”

the anxious person’s pursuit triggers the avoidant person’s retreat, which creates an electric push–pull dynamic that feels like chemistry but is really nervous-system activation (and not compatibility).

point is:

the reason why these 2 relationships felt so similar was because this dynamic was playing out once again.

in fact, the outcome of it could have probably been predicted by looking at our attachment styles before the relationship even began!

now i’m at the stage where i want to learn about this avoidant type that i tend towards and grow out of it.

i feel there’s a long way ahead of me (heck, it might be a lifetime) but it still feels exciting to have this side-quest going on.

it feels important.

⊙

in closing, i wanted to share a short story to tie this all together:

3 years ago when i was starting out my entrepreneurship journey, a friend’s dad connected me with a successful ceo for me to pick his brain.

out of our entire chat, the 1 thing that stood out to me was when he said:

good luck in your endeavors youngblood. you’re going to learn a lot about yourself.

so a few days ago, i sent him an email saying that those words were resonating heavily, to which he replied:

namaste, dani.

p.s. inbox is open if u wanna hit reply + share thoughts :).